Overcome Relationship Hostility with A Day Of Truth
All relationships have difficulties. But they don't have to get messy.
There is a way to break the deadlock and get to the truth of whether your relationship can be fixed or whether it's time to part as amicably as possible.
All too often, excited, loving couples get stuck with differences they can’t resolve in their relationship. Over time these differences cause bitterness, anger and frustration.
All relationships have problems. As Dan Wile says
“When you marry someone, you marry a set of problems”
If you married someone else, you wouldn’t have those problems. But you would have a different set of problems.
You’re never going to have a relationship free of problems or conflict. So the issue in relationships is knowing what problems you can live with.
So many relationships turn love into hatred because there isn’t a way of resolving the anger, frustration and resentment we feel about the other person.
Conflict is difficult. We avoid it.
So we don’t say what we feel. We simmer and seethe. And we become bitter.
Until it all boils up inside ourselves and then we erupt. And we unleash all our hurt and anger all over the other person.
It comes out of the blue for them and they get defensive and aggressive and then it becomes a battle. A battle of hurt and hatred.
The relationship descends into a battleground and like all wars. What was built gets destroyed and the innocent get hurt
We need a better way…
Differences Don't Have To Be Destructive
We are individuals who come together to form relationships, organisations and groups.
Everything we want comes through our connections. It is how we connect that determines the quality of our life.
Our value is in our differences and diversity. The secret is that we have to embrace our differences and find a way to bridge them.
We have to deal with conflict more positively.
Bridge Your Differences With A Day of truth
The secret is to separate the problem from the person. Because then you can resolve your differences without losing respect, trust and your sanity.
We can love people… even when we don’t agree with them.
It all begins with truth. Because until we have the truth we are grasping around in the dark.
Confusion causes frustration. Frustration leads to anger, bitterness and blame.
In a Day of Truth, I take couples through a process to get to the truth.
Whatever is always going to happen is determined by each individual’s beliefs, values and goals.
Usually we only see this by their behaviour. But if we can understand and map these out we can see the future that will unfold.
So the real goal isn’t to make the relationship work or compromise to keep the peace.
The real goal is to be honest about your thoughts and feeling and work together to find the truth.
When you can map out the truth, you can know if you can make your relationship work. And then it’s a matter of working out the next steps.
Some couples who go through this process will find that they are better off calling it a day and going their separate ways. These couples would spilt up sooner or later anyway.
The difference is that they can move on without the devastating destruction that years of fighting will do to them. They can agree how they can separate in a way that leaves them stronger and less damaged by the breakup.
Most though, will find that they have more to gain from staying together. They can see what they would lose if they can’t deal with conflict in a more positive way.
They can resolve their differences and reconnect. They can make plans on how they can work together and become more of a connected team. They can change their dynamic so that differences make them closer and more bonded.
They have the chance to make their relationship the safe sanctuary from the stress of the world.
What Is A Day Of Truth?
Aside from being a Relationship Engineer who helps people build loving and lasting relationships I’m a trained and qualified Civil and Commercial Mediator.
I have combined these two skills to create a unique process, A Day of Truth.
A Day of Truth is designed to help warring couples get a breakthrough. Both commit to one day to get to the truth of their relationship. The purpose of this day is to work out;
- If there is a relationship worth saving
- If they want to stay or go
If they decide to leave, they can agree terms to separate and next steps forward
If they decide to stay, they can agree a plan to heal and strengthen the bond.
We map where both are, where they want to be and then how they get to where they want to be.
In essence it’s a safe space that lets each person be heard and understood. Whatever happens in the future is set by what is in each person’s intentions, beliefs and feelings. This is a day that brings that out in a shorter space of time so it can be dealt with. Without all the negativity that comes with hurt and confusion.
What Exactly Will Happen?
Each day is different. The goal is to get each to clarity of what is true, what they want and what their options are. And so the process adjusts to achieve this.
On the day we’ll usually start talking together.
Often it helps for me to talk to each individually and confidentially. So nothing said to me in an individual session will be repeated by me, unless I’m specifically instructed to.
This gives each a safe space to think through their doubts, misgivings and fears. So they get clearer about how they feel.
The first thing I’ll do is listen. I’m curious and want to understand what you feel and why you feel as you do.
Sometimes in couples, people think they know their partner so well, they don’t listen and understand them. So I’ll try to make each understand the other.
Once we’ve got understanding, it’s time to map out the differences.
Differences are inevitable. It’s knowing which are as John Gottman says Perpetual Problems and which are temporary. Gottman’s research shows 69% of problems are perpetual. That means they’re part of the dynamic.
Your decision is whether your problems can be managed and lived with. That is at the core of the Day Of Truth.
I’ll walk you through options of how you can manage the problem. Then as a couple and individually I’ll help you to see the decisions you need to make.
I’ll talk through all your options.
I’ll explain the ups and downs of breaking up and starting over again as someone that sees hundreds of people through the process every year. At times I’ll play Devil’s Advocate so you both get really clear on your situation.
The idea is to give you and your partner a better understanding of the reality of your situation. I’ll give each some time alone to ponder.
Then if and when each is ready, we’ll come together to talk about our thoughts and feelings. This is when each can decide how they want to move forward.
Some people will reconnect and recapture the loving bond. I can, if wished, share some tools, resources and advice for how to rebuild the relationship.
And some will decide it’s time to part. If so, we can discuss how to make the separation as amiable and productive as it can be.
Note: I am not a Family Mediator. I do not do the court ordered MIAM mediation. This mediation is about clarifying the relationship and coming to an agreement that allows you both the best future.
Who A Day of Truth Works For?
A Day Of Truth works for couples that are stuck in deadlock.
It works for couples that deep down love each other, but life has swept them away and they’ve become distant.
It works for couples that don’t communicate very well and misunderstand and misinterpret each other.
It works for couples where the relationship has broken down.
It works for couples where there is a lot of hostility and resentment.
It works for couples where, one or both, are stuck between staying and going.
Who It Won’t Work For?
This mediation is about getting to the truth.
Getting to the truth is messy. And often we don’t like the truth. As Gloria Steinem said…
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Unfortunately, some people don’t deal with this well and so there are relationships where the truth isn’t safe.
If there is any violence or abuse in the relationship, the truth might not be safe. And so I don’t mediate with couples where there is abuse or violence within the relationship.
How A Day of truth will help you
A Day of Truth is designed to separate the people from the problem.
When you can detach the emotions from the dynamics you can deal with them.
Sometimes we struggle telling the truth. It’s hard to tell people things that you feel will hurt them. And so we avoid it.
But it eats us up. And so we get filled with frustration, anger and bitterness. If we cannot change these emotions and we cannot change the dynamic they poison us and the relationship.
And so then even when we’ve had enough and break up we keep the poison.
We move forward damaged and less trusting. Our memories of the relationship are tarnished.
If we have to settle finances, property and children these become much harder to settle.
Once lawyers become involved their costs eat into any assets we have and costs spiral.
The avergae cost of a divorce is over £14,000. Many go well over that.
If the relationship is over, let’s get over it with as little hassle, fighting and cost.
A Day of Truth gives you the chance to clear the confusion.
Whether it helps you save your relationship or move on amicably, it saves you months or even years of heartache.
Bring Peace to your relationship
Stop wasting time and negativity in your life. Invest in a Day Of Truth and move on positively with your life.
To start book up a 15 minute call where we can work out if this is right for you.