Relationship Break Up Advice (From Despair To Love And Joy)
I first crossed paths with Brian about ten or so years ago. He came across my book when it was “The 32 Building Blocks of Happiness”.
We exchanged some emails and I remember he was getting over a divorce that had come out of the blue for him. I remember him being afraid and feeling guilty for how it might effect his daughters.
We’ve been Facebook friends for sometime and I have watched his new relationship blossom and seeing how happy and how in love Brian and Jennifer seem.
I saw a beautiful Valentines Day post from Brian detailing how lovingly they seem to interact.
I had at the time two long emails from people struggling to cope with the aftermath of a break up. And while I have written detailed analytical posts about how to get over a break up I knew something was missing.
It’s one thing for me to write long detailed and logical posts. But it’s another thing to read someone else’s account and see how they were once sitting in your shoes.
So I reached out to Brian and asked him what he’d say to a man who was now in the position he once was.
Here’s Brian’s message:
Advice To Men Who's Wives Want To End Their Marriage (From A Man Who's Been There)
Having been where you are, believe me when I say I feel your pain.
I’ve been down the road you’re starting on and there’s lots to know, so let me give you just a few things I learned as you go from here.
First understand that “her” experience for probably quite a while, has been very different from yours, in this important way. The person who leaves has already journeyed through much of this process.
From first contemplating the idea of being separate, to then becoming convinced, to mentally moving on; you two are in completely different places. To assign blame to her for that very understandable position by the way, will be your first waste of time.
Yes, she could of told you, but that’s not how it works many times. Accept that. No actually embrace that. It will be your first step in getting this right.
The next thing I learned was that while there are ways to come back from relationship issues such as infidelity, neglect, addictions etc, there is nothing you can do to make someone feel a way they don’t anymore.
That feeling is what was lost, while she was going though her decision making process. Please don’t waste time on that.
Better to focus on what you can change and that is simply yourself. As useless as that sounds, when all you want is to somehow snap your fingers and get it all back, it will be all that matters in the end.
Because no matter how shattered you feel, or how much you are willing to change right now, there is no coming together at this place in the road. Nor should there be.
Any lasting and real eventualities, will be waiting for you at another place down the road from where you are.
That will be the place where you are truly different, having come to a full realization of every piece and part of your contribution to what was lost.
And that brings me to the part I found most valuable in my own journey. It is this.
For every thing I could identify that laid fault at her feet, no matter how accurate it may have been, I took a giant step backwards.
For every way I was able to identify my own shortcomings and accept the effect it had had, I took two steps forward.
Eventually I settled into focusing on “no thing” that she had contributed negatively and only on my part in the demise.
In approaching my life that way, I gained both a perspective that understood why she left, as well as a hard won change in a perspective that changed me. It also saved me.
Ultimately it was the “changed me” that reaped the rewards of a new relationship that I now cherish with all my heart and soul.
The kind of relationship the old me could never have had, and in fact didn’t deserve to have anyway. I lost everything that was dear to me my man, but I swerved into taking seriously, the part I played in it. Eventually that is.
In the end I was able to be the kind of person who deserved the love I had felt entitled to. In the end, it wasn’t so much the changing of how I saw things, as it was my changing the things that I noticed. That small thing made all the difference. It will for you too.
Whether or not you get your girl back, is irrelevant right now. The direction you choose to go from here can be life changing if you let it.
Will you feel better soon?
Of course not. These things take time.
Will it be worth it though?
Yes a thousand times yes, whether or not you have then, what you think you need now.
I won’t wish you luck, because luck won’t have anything to do with it. I will wish you a brighter day however, because that is well within your grasp.
Take good care my man.