Why Men Lie

Man covering his mouth

Men and women both lie, but they lie for different motives.  

They both lie to preserve face and to avoid shame, because our culture expects things from us that we can’t always live up to whether that’s due to our own weakness or a dogmatic culture.  

We are pack animals and our place within the social structure is very important to us.  And so the tension between the expectations we are supposed to live up to and the fallibility of our emotional capability shapes the degree and extent to which we lie.

We have lived in a patriarchal society for as far back as we know.  It hasn’t been a fair society and there have been victims. Women, homosexuals, ethnic minorities and anyone that didn’t fit the stifling mould.

And so now as society has become more sensitive there has been a pushback against this.  Political Correctness is a movement that threatens to become the new dogma. Now people are afraid to suggest that men and women might be different.  But the fact is there are biological sex differences that go beyond the cultural gender impact.

Patriarchy stifled a large group of people.  But stifling a different group through political correctness doesn’t make for a better society.

Man with megaphone at Black Lives Matter demo

Black lives matter.  And so do white lives.  

Every individual matters.

I think historically we, Europeans, have raped and pillaged much of the world to get rich.  The atrocities that have been committed in the past can never be forgiven. The killings and beatings of black people by policemen, the abuse and exploitation of women highlighted by #metoo and even the rampant child abuse of the 80’s is nothing next to what we have done in the past.

People like to glorify the past with nostalgia, but as far as I can see every generation in the past was guilty of horrific acts.  Likewise, I believe the future will continue to develop kinder, more sensitive and more conscious people.

Yet we all are products of our cultural environment.  We do what makes sense within the cultural context in which we live.    

And so we have to change the cultural narrative, but I’ve spoken to people about the black lives matter campaign who are angry and want perhaps they wouldn’t say revenge, but something more than just fixing the problem for the future.

Every wrong in society originates in the self interest of one group.  Every injustice creates future terrorism. But if we veer from one wronged group to another we perpetuate an unjust society filled with conflict.

Someone, somewhere has to break the cycle so that we can begin looking honestly at what needs to change.  So in the interests of truth over political correctness…

Men And Women Are Different

There are clear biological differences between men and women.  However, differences don’t mean that one is better than the other.  Though the newspaper headlines tend to be dominated by the feats of men.  It’s not clear if this is because men have been in power and so decide or because their traits were more valued and so they got power.

Men are predominantly the leaders of our culture.  They are the Warriors, Sports Stars and the Inventors.  They conquer, win and lead the way.

Watch young boys playing and everything becomes about speed, danger and winning.  The fantasy for a boy is scoring the winning goal or leading his army to victory.

A man’s place in the social hierarchy comes from respect for his abilities.  Men sometimes berate and intimidate others because they want to look and feel powerful.

For whatever reason, women value or are valued by their ability to care, harmonise and to be lovable.  They are the Models, Entertainers and Nurses. They radiate grace, beauty and love.

Watch young girls and it’s about enacting social roleplay, performing and beautifying.  The fantasy for a girl is a Prince or Knight falling for her and sweeping her off her feet into a new life where he adores her for the rest of his life.

A woman’s social status comes from the love and favour she enjoys.  

Women tend to lie because they are afraid of not being liked.  However they are less likely to lie for personal gain, if there is a greater fear of being thought badly of.

A man’s attractiveness is typically based on looks, perceived success, status, charm and charisma.  His ability to compete is based on appearing strong. A weak man is vulnerable to attack. In animals we see lots of preening and posturing to maintain their level of status.  There is always a younger challenger looking for a moment of weakness to pounce.

So status is critically important to a man.  Losing a job can completely disorient a man if he cannot find another way to restore the value he thinks his position and money brought him.  There are theories that some men die earlier after retirement brings a loss of purpose.

Men Lie For Status

Men get status in lots of ways.  The predominant way is through being a Provider.  So men will brag or exaggerate their wealth, importance and achievements.  They will aspire to, if not own, symbols of wealth because it brings status.

Being wrong can seem to some men as if it undermines their capability and so men will lie to prevent people thinking they are less capable.

Men Lie For Personal Gain

Men are more goal driven.  Some of what they want to gain is for status, but often they will just lie to get what they want.  So they will lie to win at work or even sport. They will lie to get the girl. And they will especially lie to get the girl into bed.

Ok, so let’s get to the root of the question.  

Why do men lie for sex and about sex?

If you want to understand why a man lies to get a girl into bed or lies about sex, you have to understand what sex means to him and you have to understand sex and dating in context.

Sex, along with food and achieving, is one of the most primal drives we have.   It is often hugely pleasurable. But it isn’t purely about the physical act.

Why is sex hotter in one scenario than another, but because the turn on is in the mind.  The danger of being caught, of forbidden sex, or whatever scenario turns you on isn’t changing the act, but it’s what the act means.

This means that sex has to be about far more than the instant physical gratification.  It’s also validation that someone finds you attractive.

 

Why Men Want To Spread Their Seed

Man with three women leaning over a balcony

Why do men want to sow their seed so widely, but because it then becomes a trophy.  The sex is often better with someone you know more, but it’s more exciting with someone new.  Not in the actual act, but in what the sex means.

It means you’re desired.  It’s about winning the game.  Conquering a woman in much the same way that conquering a territory sent explorers in search of new lands.  Winning in the same way that winning at sports, or material terms gives a sense of superiority.

Someone may feel like a loser in one area of their life, but if they are attractive to women they can bolster their sense of worth.  Hence the Trophy Wife.

Dating is also a battleground.  He has to fight hundreds or thousands of other men for available women.  

Men, whether it’s cultural for status or biological to pass on genes, tend to often want to sow their seeds widely.  And so a dating site looks like a pick and mix stand.

As a result he will seek to message as many women as he finds attractive.  So on a dating site women will be inundated with messages from all kinds of men.  

Generally people settle down with people of equivalent attractiveness and intelligence.

However, given that men may be seeking something more casual, many of a woman’s messages will come from men, younger or more attractive than their male equivalent.  Typically, women are less likely to be looking for something casual. And so women will be in much greater demand than men.

Given that men are still expected to play the role of the predator, unless they are particularly handsome or attractive, men will get very few messages.  So they will have to seek out and women and so risk and get rejection after rejection.

Here’s some research reported on dating message statistics to show how different dating is for men and women

An average man who sends 18 messages to women his own age can be 50% certain he'll receive at least one response.

For women, they need to send only 5 messages to be 50% certain they'll get a response. Looking at higher confidence levels, if a woman wants to be 90% certain she'll receive a response from a man her own age, she'll have to send 13 messages.

A man will have to send 58 messages.

Taken from: https://www.businessinsider.com/online-dating-message-statistics-2013-7 Tweet

Man's Need For Power

Men are actually more sensitive than women to failure and loss of respect.  Coming at a time when a large section of men have lost their place in society, some are unable to cope with continual rejection.  

There has always been a sense for some men that in taking a girl’s virginity he has won a prize.  

Why does a man have to feel he is his wife’s best lover and the last man she’ll sleep with?  

This clearly isn’t about the sex, but about being special and holding power over her.  

Likewise, there are always men that use emotions to gain control and a sense of power over others.

Equally, there are a minority of men that feel slighted and rejected by women and may see sex as a way of taking a scalp.

Men have always been told that women want a lifelong commitment and so they think they have to pretend they’re completely bowled over and in love to have a chance with a woman.  

Once they’re in a relationship men will lie about sex because sex is generally something our culture has made us ashamed for wanting and doing.  Women will also lie about sex, but in the way that society makes ‘wrong’ for them. Remember men are driven by status.

Status gets men sex, but sex also brings status.  

A man wants to feel he is a stallion.  Therefore, a problem getting an erection, being too quick off the mark or anything indicating he is less of a lover will make a man feel shame to admit and so he’ll lie because of it.  

Men cheat for lots of reasons.  Because they are bored. Because they are looking for validation, respect, affection.  Whatever the reason they may lie for sex, but they’ll also probably lie to avoid being found out.

Men Lie To Avoid Conflict

Man running hand through his hair

While men will lie for gain and for status, the biggest reason for men to lie is to avoid conflict.  Men hate conflict because they’re not built to cope with conflict.

When men are measured physiologically they react with much more stress to conflict.  This is why so many men emotionally shut down. Not because they are insensitive as it may seem, but because they are so sensitive to emotions that they get overwhelmed and paralysed by them.

Men like women lie for many reasons.  For personal gain, for status or to avoid losing face, to avoid conflict.  Essentially though, they’ll lie in the way their culture shapes them to.  Lying is a way to deal with the tension  between their urges and what is expected from their culture (and the woman they are with).